May 27th, 2018
I’ve been feeling incredibly sad these days.
Thursday, I arrived back home.
And Friday, I went to college,
That was day before yesterday.
Friday was wonderful, I felt like I took a breath of fresh air.
Churning out the negatives and intaking the positives, Somewhat.
I felt happy. And I believe that that is a small part of being happy.
Met people who’ve I’ve missed more than anything.
Talking to my friends helped me sort out a lot.
The horrible untoward rolling of emotions ceased for that day and I keep thinking some miracle happened.
Then Saturday arrived and momentarily I’ve had the same happiness.
But towards the night, the gloom seeped into my bones I suppose.
Carefully I asked myself for the moon and rejected reality.
Looking into the dark of my bedroom, soft snores of my sister fading into the pillows.
She wrapped her arms and legs around the left side of my torso and buried her face into my shoulder.
I let her sink into my weary self.
Sunday morning. Today.
Two of my cousin’s arrived, completing the tricky trio already existing in this house.
And thus, noise ensued and distracted me.
But the gloom had already built their house inside my chest and claimed ownership of my veins.
So I said let’s go swimming.
One might ask… what is this gloom? Why do you feel sad? Do I have something to feel sad about?
I don’t know.
I just feel remorse and sometimes despair and my life. Even though I have nothing to be afraid about.
I feel sad when I can’t speak to my family about this.
This unspeakable morbid realisation that I’m not who I want to be and doing things that make me feel safer than more thoughtful and braver.